A woman once told me to put a fork in my bra so as to have quick access to it in order to stab men who try to touch me inappropriately.
So now I keep a fork in my bra at all times.
My aunt:
We're canceling our date because I feel guilty leaving the kids at home.
ME:
Oh dear lord, give me your children, go on a freaking date with your husband, take a walk on the beach afterwards, hold hands, and get to second base!